Mother’s wound is the pain and shame that is unconsciously passed from mother to child. Our mothers have the greatest impact on our coping mechanisms, core beliefs, and self-worth. Their unresolved wounds become our own. Mother’s wound affects us in different ways:
- Self-criticism (the wounded mother’s inner voice)
- Body shame (the way our mother talked about her body, we felt the same way about ours)
- Frequent comparison (see how your comparison to others often leads to self-shaming)
- Inability to trust or feel close to other women
- Mistrust of romantic partners and fear of abandonment cause us to push people away or avoid certain connections altogether.
- The belief that we are only worthy or valuable if we act as caregivers, achievers, and mediators
- Procrastination, and self-sabotage, is a means to maintain a small role or accept the role we feel we are supposed to play.
Daughters and sons can both experience their mothers’ wounds, but most daughters carry their mothers’ wounds. In patriarchal societies, mothers can more easily pass on their mother’s trauma to their daughters. Women who have internalized stereotypical beliefs that position women as second-class citizens are more likely to consciously or unconsciously transmit these beliefs to their daughters. Maternal wounding is not a specific diagnosis. We know that the beliefs that mothers instill in childhood have a positive influence not only on the child’s present but also on their future relationships. On the other hand, a child suffering from a mother’s trauma will likely maintain this type of relationship with her own child. These negative feelings can lead to-
- Low self-esteem
- Lack of emotional awareness
- Inability to self-soothe
- The feeling that warm and nurturing relationships are not within your reach
It would be convenient and easy if we could blame all our mistakes and failures on our mothers. But it wouldn’t be honest. And that’s because we all have the gift of choice. We can choose to take steps to heal our mothers’ wounds and ensure that we do not pass this trauma on to our children. It was a challenging journey, but the beginning of strength. How to start healing motherhood wounds
- Be conscious of how often you seek your mother’s approval and validation
- Allow yourself to see your mother as a person and not as a supermom. A person with wounds and pain that cannot be relieved.
- Practice healthy boundaries
- Practice and prioritize self-care: Many of us moms don’t know how to meet our own needs, which means we need to start learning how to meet our own needs.
- Start speaking to yourself like the wise and loving mother you want to be (especially important when you feel scared, agitated, or defensive)
- Write a list of the qualities and characteristics that make you unique or make you like yourself
- Place it on the mirror in your room or bathroom and read it to yourself every morning
- Write a letter to your inner child, admitting how much you long to be loved, heard, and seen by her
- Connect with people who make you feel like your true self
- Know that you can love your mother and also have conflicting feelings, thoughts, and personal thoughts about her sadness surrounding past experiences caused by her. This is not betrayal.
Author: Sana Rubiyana, Consulting Psychologist, Fortis Hospital, Richmond Road, Bengaluru
