Sujata was shocked after her husband’s sudden death. Shock, hurt, disbelief, anger, grief, fear – so many emotions overwhelmed her. Completely unable to understand what had happened and all that was happening in the mournful space around her and her two young children, Sujata fell into stony silence. Correct. Silent. There were no cries of pain due to loss, no lamentations. There are no tears. To many in her social space of mourning, there was little that could be said to be normal in Sujata’s behavior about what a bereaved woman should be like, especially when she She was just widowed. In particular, the elders in the family found her behavior quite odd. They wanted her to cry less – at least because of society’s mourning. Others discussed what it was like to “make her cry” and how to keep her pain from being suppressed. But their concerns are also guided more by what they think of as women’s typical grief reactions. After all, a woman is expected to be emotional, and therefore to let out at least the customary groan on such occasions. Actually! Well, like in many other contexts, here too there are gender stereotypes. In the face of her immediate loss and grief, the burden of society’s expectations of “grieving (gender) appropriately” further pierced Sujata’s already broken heart with sadness, agony and worst of all, feelings of guilt and social shame. Seriously, can there be a single appropriate way of grieving that works for all grievers? The reality is that no two people grieve the same, not even a common loss. Dr. Kenneth Doka, renowned expert on grief, who conceptualized the phenomenon of ‘disenfranchised grief’ and co-author of ‘Grief Beyond Gender’ emphasizes that grief reactions occur occurs on a wide scale, with gender being just one of many contributing factors. There are countless factors that influence an individual’s grieving style such as age, psychological characteristics of the griever, circumstances and manner of loss, age and stage in the life of the deceased, relationships relationship with the deceased, the economic and socio-cultural context of the bereaved, etc. It is unfair and impossible to label grief styles based on any of these factors. Gender, at least, is not merely a fixed biological fact. Rather, it is a social construct. Regardless of the gender label we are assigned, we all carry within us elements of both masculine and feminine psychology and energy, albeit to varying degrees and in different ways. Read more: Anxiety symptoms: Potential physical signs of anxiety affecting your bodyInstead of associating spontaneous tears with women and stoic strength with men, Kenneth Doka and co-author Terry Martin recommend associating – (a) emotional grief response with grief style intuitive sadness, i.e. coping and adapting by processing emotions and feelings; and (b) cognitions, thoughts, and grief responses based on activity for what has been termed instrumental grieving styles. Importantly, both styles can be expressed to varying degrees by the griever, regardless of their gender. Most of us have different ways of grieving. I have seen and worked with many women who think and act more in grief. This does not mean that their feelings of grief are absent or numb. There is growing evidence that many women naturally or consciously apply cognitive and instrumental practices to process their pain. Most likely due to their particular personality type. And sometimes, life circumstances of loss force them to do so. It is also possible that although some grievers are intuitive griefers, they do not express their feelings and emotions openly. My long practice as a ‘Grief and Growth’ specialist, and my own lived wisdom as a grieving mother, tell me that the direct style of grieving may not necessarily show an obvious emotional distress response. I know many people who grieve intuitively, and there are a number of men on the list, who process their feelings and emotions quietly, whether by thinking or acting. Read more: What does depression feel like? People share how many years they lived with it without knowing about itSo let’s not see a woman’s grief response (anyone’s for that matter) from a gender filter, whether by emotion, perception, or action. No one’s grief deserves to be judged for conforming to or challenging gender stereotypes. Let us resolve to avoid the same and the expectations that entail, in the context of loss and grief. One day, I will also write about men’s gender-stereotyped grief. Today, let us affirm that women’s grief reactions and grief styles are inherently spontaneous and individual. This Women’s Day if you truly want to pay homage to women, honor their grief and sorrow in the way they naturally choose, instead of trapping it in gender stereotypes and imposing placing gender-specific social expectations to cause them to grieve in a certain way. Let us honor the grief of Sujata (and many others like her). Each person has their own way of grieving. Let women, in fact everyone, claim their rights with affirmation and dignity. – by Dr Neena Verma, PCCDr Neena Verma is a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist; ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transformation’ Coach; and author of ‘Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage’ & ‘Mother’s Cry ~ Mother’s Celebration’.
